Dear Invisichad,

What is Benghazi? My dad won’t stop talking about it, and yet paradoxically, I understand it less every time he brings it up. It seems to have something to do with Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton? I have no idea what’s happening.

Help!

Barnum Joe

Hi Barnum,

Thank you for writing me. I’m sorry about your name, but I will try to answer your question as best I can.

This is a tricky thing because the word “Benghazi” actually has two meanings, depending on whether you are a Republican or not. It sounds like you aren’t very informed about the issues, so it might be that you are not actually sure about your own political leanings either. In that case, I will provide two definitions, and you can choose the one that sounds the best to you. This way you can really find out what your true opinion is deep down, because scientifically-speaking, that is how opinions work.

Okay, let’s begin.

Benghazi is:

1. A city in Libya

2. A singular, piercing, voiceless rage in the very pit of your heart

How did you do? If you picked the second one, you might be a Republican. You might also just be kind of dumb, and and simply couldn’t infer the answer that I was kind of hoping you’d lean towards. Hey, that’s okay too. We can’t all be champions.

Anyways, I am kind of skirting around the actual topic, because even though I have accurately defined the word for you, the reason it is brought up is because it refers to a tragic event! And those are almost never funny. And yet I must press on and deal with the facts, so here they are:

In 2012, about 150 gunmen rushed the U.S. embassy and shot up a bunch of people. Four people died, including two embassy workers, an American diplomat named J. Christopher Stevens, and another diplomat whose alliegence remains unanswered by Wikipedia. It was probably a nightmare to be involved in for everyone who wasn’t the mob of crazy, armed gunmen.

In any event, did you notice how I only named one guy out of the four men killed? The American guy? That’s because whoever it was who wrote the article on Wikipedia was probably American and he either didn’t care enough about the other guys to look them up, or he wanted to specifically emphasize the American diplomat most of all and the only way he could think to do that was to leave out the other guys’ names. Either way, the point is that America has this thing you may have heard of where they really don’t like it when their own citizens are murdered overseas, especially by soldiers and mercenaries. It’s a quirk we have.

So anyways, because this tragic event happened in Libya, by a mob of terrorist-types two years ago, your dad is angry at Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton.

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Dear Invisichad,

Please tell me how to make people understand that contraceptives are not abortion pills.

Thanks,

Pissed About Politics, Sayonara to My Every American Right

 

Hi PAPSMEAR (clever),

First off, thank you for submitting a trick question. It is always important to keep blog authors on their toes. The trick is obviously the bit where you are able to convince an average American of something obvious.

Okay, let me explain this as a moral, Christian person would.

There are these eggs in your body. Each one is potentially a moral, upstanding citizen-in-waiting. Men have something almost as magical, called “jizz.” When our gross jizz touches your immaculate near-person-egg-thingy, it is like the scene in Pinnochio when the blue faerie sprinkles faerie dust on the puppet, imbuing it with life.

Then, just like Pinnochio, the egg grows up into a nightmare-like poorhouse where the dregs of society degrade it over and over again (especially if it is accidentally gay, or a woman, or an ambulatory creature made of wood, possessed with eerie alien life. ) Anyways, this child grows up and then gets pregnant when she’s a teenager too, what’s the big deal?

Oh, wait. Yeah, Contraception. That’s weird. That was kind of the point of your whole question.

Okay, so let’s say that, hypothetically, a teenage girl has access to contraception (crazy!) and it keeps her from becoming pregnant. Surely we all see the problem here:  She is now clearly breaking the cycle of living in a cartoonish nightmare dystopia. This is one of the foundations of American life, or Dickens novels, I forget which, that must never be challenged.

Only, I think birth control has been available for over 50 years now or something, so I guess she’s not actually “breaking the chain” this time, so much as “accepting progress” and “doing what’s normal.” Oh, but wait, your question was about explaining how contraception isn’t the same as abortion. You women and your wiles!

The truth, in this case, fits somewhere exactly between two viewpoints, so let’s have a reasoned, dualistic look at this.

PRO-LIFE:  I believe that babies are more special than anything else on Earth.

PRO-CHOICE: That’s cool.

PRO-LIFE: I believe that life begins at conception.

PRO-CHOICE: Um. Okay, I guess that’s fine for you to believe personally, but I don’t really…

PRO-LIFE: Abortion is Murder!

PRO-CHOICE: This isn’t going to be a calm and rational discussion, is it?

PRO-LIFE: Contraception is also murder, now!

PRO-CHOICE: Wait, when did that happen? What is going on!

Aaaaand, cut. That’s where we are now in the social debate.

Here’s the thing: The little eggs in you are little souls that you are not turning into full-fledged people (this is the most important goal in the world) and you are murdering every single last one you waste by not being pregnant. So you are a murderer now, in their eyes, is what I’m trying to say. Given your constant crime spree that your body just does automatically, you are 100% guilty of homicide in any number of drugged-out-mental-patients’ imaginary court systems, or our actual real United States Government court system, depending on the state you live in.

You should probably become a Batman villain of some sort, is the answer to your question.

-Invisichad

Dear Invisichad,

Now that the Supreme Court has decided that the police can strip-search anyone they choose to arrest, how can I be sure that the police don’t arrest me for something made up or minor, and then strip-search me?

Sincerely,
Jennifer Higgins

Well Jennifer,

You sound like a educated and (probably) hot, young person. I too know what it’s like to be too attractive for your own good, (although in my case it was a brief window of maybe three weeks when it happened) and how being a smoking hottie-pants only does you a disservice in some situations. Well, actually that’s not true. Or at least it didn’t use to be true. Normally, being outrageously sexy all the time sort of buys you only the nicest things in life and keeps you from all the worst situations. Or, you know, porn.

But now that the Supreme Court has decided that the police can strip-search literally anyone they feel like, those days are over. The hotter you are, the more liable one of our nation’s fine officers would like to see you with your clothes off. So,  what are you to do, if you are a good citizen randomly accosted by an aggressive policeman who is determined that you are the perpetrator of something?

The answer is as simple as it is obvious: We as a nation should abandon all our clothes. Sure, it would be awkward and terrible for everyone, especially at first. Not only would you feel naked and insecure yourself, but everyone else in the entire country would too. Then you have the horror of seeing actually fit, good-looking people (like you, Jennifer) parading about like mighty gazelle on the fertile prairie, all picturesque, and alluring. Imagine how infinitely more awkward every physical encounter with absolutely everyone becomes then! You’d need police everywhere just to make sure nothing crazy happens.

And that’s the beauty of the plan. The police are gainfully employed and they still get visual access to our naked bodies, but we keep our pride and autonomy, by collectively choosing to discard all our clothing in advance. That way everybody wins. Or loses. I guess it’s a “Is the glass half-empty or half-full” sort of thing.

You know, we’d probably all get in really good shape after a while, so keep that in mind too. It would probably the single greatest motivating force to go to the gym that America could possibly get. We could end our obesity epidemic in like, eight months. I mean, I’m thinking about going to the gym just from answering your question. I probably won’t though.

Ooh… Cheeseburgers. Can you smell the cheeseburgers through the internet? They have a technology that makes you smell and then desperately crave cheeseburgers now, and I signed up for the beta. It’s totally working.

Ah shoot, I got distracted. Anyways, I hope that answers your question, Jennifer. Please send me naked photos of yourself in the comments or through email. In fact, this policy goes for anyone who leaves a comment or sends an email. I want naked pictures of you.

Thanks.

-Invisichad

Dear Invisichad,

I am writing in because I wonder what a welfare queen is. Any time I talk to my parents about current events, they just get sidetracked and start shrieking about welfare queens. Do you have any advice for me? Do you know what a welfare queen is, like, is it a kind of bug or animal, or what? America doesn’t have a queen, right? And definitely not multiple queens. I wish I knew what they were upset about. Anyways, thanks, I totally love your blog!

Sincerely,
Craig

Thanks Craig,

This is a confusing topic, because you never hear any news stories about it. As usual, the media’s portrayal of one of the most scandoulous issues in U.S. history is so blasse, you might as well just chop an onion and cry, publicly if possible (as an exciting new form of protest). Or, you know, whatever slightly less effective thing you can think of.

The term “welfare queen” sets you down a weird road right away, because of the word “Queen.” it’s hard to tell if you are talking about women or if you are talking about gay men, perjoratively, maybe. Or you could be talking about a member of the English monarchy. It is possible, if one of them broke off in secret, to rebel against the English as an American patriot or something (See: my unfinished screenplay, “AmeriBrit Windsor.” It’s really good.)

In any event, it’s hard to tell who you should be mad at, women or homosexuals. The truth is actually much more boring. Because it turns out, the term is used to describe people who cheat the system to collect benefits from the government. They settled on “Welfare Queen” for that, back in the 70s, probably because of racism, but who can even tell anymore? And our parents have been complaining about it ever since.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Since most fraud gets caught by insurance companies nowadays, and there is a huge infrastructure to catch and punish criminals in barbaric prisons, there is probably not much need for concern in this area. At least from what I can tell, most of the terrible things that happen occur at higher levels of government, and the lower levels are pretty good at maintaining order (even if they do bitch-slap you with their eyes all the time).

The answer is to look your parents in the eye, nod your head, and pour yourself another glass of wine. One day you will froth to your children about things that don’t matter, so enjoy the moment, even if your parents are possibly racist or whatever. Hope that helps, Craig!